Some outtakes from my conversation with Kristin. What follows are some of the mental struggles I've faced that have kept my creative endeavors suppressed for so many years...Time to pick up my sword and deal through the darkness.
"I guess if only one person reads my story it will make a difference..."
"Maybe I shouldn't bother..."
"No one will ever be interested..."
"I don't know why it even matters to do any of this...I'm seriously going through the heaviest doubts of my career...like...Why did God make me desire so badly to write these stories? To make these games? I don't understand..."
"I just feel like no one will care. That I'll get to the end of my life and they'll just be another book on the discount bin, ya know? There are billions of stories out there. What makes mine so special? Nothing..."
"But so many other people write and for what? Why do I struggle with this mentality? UGH! I don't get it!"
"I guess if nothing else it can be an outlet...or something else. I'm so resistant to positivity and stuff...I despise compliments...I can't take positive talk about my creative projects...why?
"Sorry...Dealing with the defeatist mentality...raised myself that way."
"I practically raised myself...sucky. No one was ever there...mom died...dad left me at 2 years old...grandma died...I've been feeling attacked by Satan a lot lately about all of that...About how I've been alone. About how I've had no one to help me navigate this life."
"I don't know why I've been consumed with those thoughts lately...I just don't know."
"I really need to start creating this world and these stories. They mean a whole lot to me for some reason...I think they're like the journal I never created. The battles inside of my heart and mind and spirit expressed outwardly...Through these characters. It's my way of telling you and the world what you've been wanting to know. Why I'm hurting. About the duality of myself and God...Battling back and forth since I was a child. Why I'm Faithdrawn even through the darkness... or trying to be. It's hard. I'm simultaneously terrified to speak and worried that I won't say it right. So I'm crippled by fear and don't know anything because it's easier to stand still. Does that make sense?"
"I think also I've been keeping my inner self out of the stories for fear of people seeing me the way I am...That's why they've been so formless on paper and in my head until now. Yeah...that's why. That's in addition to the fact that I'm still searching for answers...Still struggling through much of it."
"I feel as though I can't write or create what I haven't solved yet."
"I feel like I have to solve it first...On my own...But maybe I should write the dark stories that show people I'm still stuck in it so they can relate...I just don't want to write a story without God being the redeeming light at the end...But he's still dealing with me and at the end of some of those tunnels I still don't see him at all."
"I just want to find a way to be honest through my work..."
Perhaps this is worth one more go...I just need someone by my side. Maybe I have someone. I guess I'll just take it one day at a time.